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Ask Dr. Jan

Dear Dr. Jan,

I don't have a date for prom yet. I have a good friend who’s a girl and I think she expects me to ask her. I want to ask somebody else to go but I don’t want my friend to be mad at me either. What should I do?

— Adam

Dear Adam,


The first thing you should do is feel proud of your thoughtfulness and consideration of your friend’s feelings. Regardless of how this works out, she’s lucky to have you as a friend.

I’m assuming that, while she is a “good friend,” you are not romantically involved. It also sounds like you are not interested in her in that way, given that you’re thinking of asking someone else to prom. Finally, it seems that she may view your relationship a bit differently than you do.

Even if these assumptions are only partially correct, this might be a good time to have a conversation with your friend about your relationship, how much you care about her, and why you want to be sensitive to her feelings. I know that this may seem quite challenging—but in the end—the more honest you can be with her, the more honorable you will be to your friendship with her.

One way to begin this conversation might be suggesting that you, she, and a few other friends go as a group. That way, you can each decide to bring a date or go solo but you’ll all still be part of the group. Plus, this common practice lets you all share costs, like a limousine or group dinner. And it will allow you to ask someone else but still share the experience with your friend.