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Ask Dr. Jan
About Dr. Jan
Jan S. Hittelman, Ph.D.
, is a licensed psychologist with over twenty years of experience working with adults, children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings. In addition to clinical practices in California, Colorado, and New York, he has specialized in program development in partnership with school systems, psychiatric hospitals, correctional facilities and the courts, outpatient settings, residential treatment facilities, and private non-profit organizations. He is the founder of Compass House, a non-profit counseling collaborative for teens and their families. Dr. Hittelman is also the author of a monthly newspaper column entitled "Surviving the Teenage Years."
Dear Dr. Jan,
My boyfriend and I fight constantly. He calls me a multitude of awful names. His friends call me names too. He sometimes hits and slaps me but I think he's just playing around. A few days ago, when we were fighting, he yanked my hair and pulled me by it. We fight nearly every other day and he's very verbally abusive, but I feel like I deserve it. I have no idea what I need to do or what I should be doing. I love him despite all of this but I'm not sure what he does and says is right.
— Mari
Dear Mari,
It’s important to follow your instinct that what your boyfriend says and does is not right. It’s not. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, where you are not verbally or physically abused and are treated with respect.
What you describe is known as dating violence and your boyfriend’s behaviors are the classic symptoms of an abuser. The CDC reports that approximately 9 percent of high school students indicate that a boyfriend or girlfriend has physically hurt them. Young women between the ages of 16–24 experience dating violence three times more than the national average. This may be because violent behavior often starts during adolescence. We also know that victims of dating violence are more likely to experience emotional problems, like depression and anxiety, and are at higher risk for substance abuse and suicide.
It is very common for victims of abuse to mistakenly think that they deserve it. Because you do feel that you deserve it, you are at higher risk. No one deserves to be abused. It’s important that you speak to a parent, school counselor, or other supportive adult about these challenges, so they can connect you with a mental health professional who can help you better understand and improve your view of yourself. The longer you wait, the worse things will likely become. Unfortunately, only one third of teens who experience dating violence confide in anyone about it. You should be proud that you did! You deserve to be treated with respect. Anything less should be unacceptable and avoided at all costs.
For more information regarding dating violence, go to loveisrespect.org. You can also find information about healthy and unhealthy relationships from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
If you're in the United States, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you're in Canada, call the Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868. Both are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and are free and confidential.
It’s important to follow your instinct that what your boyfriend says and does is not right. It’s not. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, where you are not verbally or physically abused and are treated with respect.
What you describe is known as dating violence and your boyfriend’s behaviors are the classic symptoms of an abuser. The CDC reports that approximately 9 percent of high school students indicate that a boyfriend or girlfriend has physically hurt them. Young women between the ages of 16–24 experience dating violence three times more than the national average. This may be because violent behavior often starts during adolescence. We also know that victims of dating violence are more likely to experience emotional problems, like depression and anxiety, and are at higher risk for substance abuse and suicide.
It is very common for victims of abuse to mistakenly think that they deserve it. Because you do feel that you deserve it, you are at higher risk. No one deserves to be abused. It’s important that you speak to a parent, school counselor, or other supportive adult about these challenges, so they can connect you with a mental health professional who can help you better understand and improve your view of yourself. The longer you wait, the worse things will likely become. Unfortunately, only one third of teens who experience dating violence confide in anyone about it. You should be proud that you did! You deserve to be treated with respect. Anything less should be unacceptable and avoided at all costs.
For more information regarding dating violence, go to loveisrespect.org. You can also find information about healthy and unhealthy relationships from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
If you're in the United States, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you're in Canada, call the Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868. Both are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and are free and confidential.
Learn more about abusive relationships.
Read other questions and answers from Dr. Jan's Corner.