Dear Bailey,

While it is fairly common for most parents of high school students to be concerned about drug and alcohol abuse, how they try to deal with these issues can vary, particularly in terms of effectiveness. It sounds like the way your dad is approaching this has become really annoying for you, frequently asking you about your friends’ substance use. I also wonder if it makes you feel that your dad doesn’t trust you and/or your choice of friends. We know from research that the more parents have ongoing discussions about risk behaviors, like substance abuse with their children, the less likely their children are to engage in those behaviors. The way parents have these discussions, however, can have a significant impact on how effective they are. While your father clearly cares about you and worries that you may “get in with the wrong crowd,” there may be better ways for him to approach this topic with you.

The great news is that because you are now becoming a young adult, you can take more of a lead in how these topics are discussed at home. You can respectfully explain to your dad how his repeated questions bother you and offer a new approach to this issue. Try to create opportunities to have a two-way discussion, sharing your thoughts and opinions on the subject as well as listening to your dad’s point of view. To strengthen the trust between you and your dad, consider making an agreement that if you ever become aware of friends using drugs or alcohol that you will let him know, so that he doesn’t need to repeatedly ask. Remember that the reason he repeatedly asks about your friends is that things change, particularly as you all get older. By suggesting having ongoing mutually-respectful discussions about this and other topics of concern, you will provide your dad with a much more effective approach that will hopefully strengthen your relationship versus adding additional strain to it.