Dear Miguel,

Unfortunately, it’s common for parents to think of their children in relation to each other in terms of behavior and school success. As you know, it can be very frustrating when parents make these comparisons.

While you can’t control what your parents say, there are some things that you can do to help you feel less pressured and frustrated when this occurs in the future.

Regardless of your brother’s behavior, it’s important for you to first consider whether the issue your parents are raising is fair. While the comparison itself is unfair, you may still want to address the issue behind it. Here’s an example: If your parents are suggesting that you shower more than once a week, like your brother, that might be good advice regardless of what your brother does.

The next time your parents compare you to your brother, try to separate the issue that they’re concerned about from however your brother has dealt with it. Tell your parents (as respectfully as possible so that they will hear you) that you’re willing to discuss their concern, but would appreciate if they could leave your brother out of it. You could say, “I’m willing to discuss my hygiene habits with you, but I’d appreciate it if our discussion could be about just me and not my brother.”

We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Whether or not the criticism is valid, you need to feel good about yourself, regardless of what your parents or anyone else might say. Consider making a list of all the things that YOU do well. Try to focus more on your strengths and less on your weaknesses, particularly when you’re feeling self-critical or criticized by others. While it is important to acknowledge and work on our weaknesses, it is even more important to feel good about ourselves and celebrate our strengths. After all, no one is perfect.