Dear Catalina,

There are actually two different skills needed to flirt. In addition, unlike natural abilities, skills are learned and require practice to get good at them.

The first set of skills needed for flirting are social skills. This involves everything from eye contact to knowing how to start a conversation and keep it going. Some people are better at this than others. Social interaction can be more difficult for people who are shy. Because they may avoid socializing, shy people can fall behind people their age in their social skill development because they have fewer opportunities to practice and become more comfortable interacting with others.

The second set of skills, which you refer to in your question, are skills regarding a person’s ability to express their emotions. Sometimes referred to as assertiveness skills, they help us to express our feelings in words while not disrespecting other people’s feelings. Typically, girls are better at expressing their feelings than boys, because there are still a lot of cultural pressures on boys to not “be emotional” and unfortunately being “a real man” is often seen as not expressing emotions (e.g., crying). Consequently, a shy boy would have a much harder time flirting than an outgoing girl.