Dear Heather,

You are smart to be concerned about your boyfriend’s anger issues, especially now that you’re considering getting married to him. The best thing that you can do to help him is to encourage him to learn how to manage his anger better.

The good news is that there are proven techniques that can help people learn how to control their angry feelings. You should encourage him to find a counselor that is trained in teaching these techniques. But you need to realize that he has to want to change in order for him to benefit from these strategies.

You mention that his anger is a result of his parents’ divorce. Keep in mind that many families go through very difficult divorces, but not all children develop anger problems as a result. While his family’s divorce is certainly unfortunate, your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his behavior as well as his temper.

If he is unwilling to learn to manage his anger more effectively, it is likely that this problem will only get worse over time. This is true of his controlling behavior as well. You need to not only consider yourself, but also any children that you may have together. Would you want your children to have an angry, controlling dad?

Also, just because you two have been together on and off for seven years, it doesn’t mean that you can’t date other people before making the serious decision to settle down with someone. As difficult as that may sound, it’s a lot easier than trying to end a marriage with an angry, controlling, and potentially abusive husband.