Dear Javier,

It is very common for children of divorce to want to live with the other parent. This is especially true during the teen years because conflicts with parents can be so frequent. But keep in mind that conflicts typically occur with either parent, regardless of whom you end up living with.

It can also be challenging to express our feelings, particularly when we know that others’ feelings might be hurt. At the same time, it is very unhealthy when we don’t express our feelings. Unexpressed feelings don’t go away—but build like a pressure cooker until they explode.

One good place to start: Assertively express your feelings to your mother about feeling like you are under a microscope. Expressing your feelings assertively simply means saying what you feel, while respecting the feelings of others. For example, you might say “I know that you’re trying to do what’s best for me in terms of always wanting to know everything about who I’m with and what I’m doing, but it makes me feel angry and untrustworthy.”

The right time to have these kinds of conversations is at a calm moment and not in the midst of an argument. By waiting for a calm moment and speaking assertively, there’s a good chance that you’ll be heard. Hopefully, these conversations will provide you and your mom with opportunities to negotiate and compromise on better ways to interact.