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About Dr. Jan
Jan S. Hittelman, Ph.D.
, is a licensed psychologist with over twenty years of experience working with adults, children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings. In addition to clinical practices in California, Colorado, and New York, he has specialized in program development in partnership with school systems, psychiatric hospitals, correctional facilities and the courts, outpatient settings, residential treatment facilities, and private non-profit organizations. He is the founder of Compass House, a non-profit counseling collaborative for teens and their families. Dr. Hittelman is also the author of a monthly newspaper column entitled "Surviving the Teenage Years."
Dear Dr. Jan,
My boyfriend hates my friends. He won’t hang out with me if they’re around. I feel like I have to choose between him and them, and I don’t know what to do.
— Mandie
Dear Mandie,
This is a more common problem than you might think. There are generally two reasons why a boyfriend or girlfriend might not want to spend time with your friends:
- Your boyfriend and your friends have very different interests and are different kinds of people. If this is the case, your boyfriend may need to make some compromises and do a better job of “sharing you” with your friends—and you may need to do the same with his friends. For example, his friends might like to have parties with lots of people and you may prefer hanging out in small groups. If there are extreme differences between your boyfriend and your friends, you may need to look within yourself to try and figure out where you belong and which kind of people you are most comfortable being around.
- Your boyfriend is insecure and wants to keep you to himself. This can range from minor insecurities (like being a bit shy) to more significant issues (like needing to be overly controlling). In this situation, it’s really your boyfriend’s problem and you need to realize that and decide if you are willing to be a victim of his issues. Often times this kind of relationship is unhealthy and very difficult to make work. In extreme cases, it can even become abusive.
Your situation may also be a combination of the two scenarios. If after considering all of this, you feel strongly that you don’t want to choose between your boyfriend and your friends, then it’s important to share your feelings with your boyfriend and encourage him to come up with some suggestions for ways to all spend time together. While relationships often present many challenges, being able to resolve these difficulties will make the relationship that much stronger.
Find out how to distinguish between healthy and abusive relationships.
Read other questions and answers from Dr. Jan's Corner.