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Bullies at Home
Sibling Bullying
Disagreements and jealousy are common between siblings, regardless of age or gender. Sometimes, however, when harsh words or actions are continuously initiated by one sibling against another, there is more than sibling rivalry going on. Siblings can be bullies, too.
While it’s a commonly held belief that the vast majority of bullying takes place at school, research shows that sibling bullying is as much as three times more common than school bullying. Between one-third and one-half of children under age eighteen are involved in sibling bullying. Like other forms of bullying, sibling bullying occurs when the negative behaviors are exhibited by someone who has real or perceived power over another, are intentionally hurtful, and are repetitive in nature. Bullying is more likely to occur between siblings close in age, and the instances of sibling bullying tend to increase with family size.
A landmark 2021 study by researchers at the University of York in England found that young people who are repeatedly bullied by siblings are more likely to suffer from poor mental health and wellbeing issues later in life. The resentment of siblings who are bullied can last well into adulthood, often alienating family members and leaving the sibling who was bullied with lingering feelings of anger and depression.
Parents can find it difficult to distinguish between sibling rivalry and bullying. Bad behavior between siblings is often chalked up to the notion that “kids will be kids.” Unfortunately, adopting that attitude may keep those who are being bullied from turning to the adults in the home for help. No parent wants to believe that one of their children is a bully, but a bullied child who can’t turn to a parent for help is likely going to feel more anxious, depressed, and stressed about the situation. Ideally, if a parent thinks it’s possible that one child is being bullied by another, action will be taken immediately to end the bullying. The fighting should not be ignored, and the sibling who has been hurt should be shown empathy and understanding, while the sibling who is bullying should be held accountable and helped to understand just how hurtful bullying behaviors are. Extra supervision along with modeling kind, empathetic behaviors and giving both siblings healthy strategies to deal with their emotions and disagreements can help put an end to sibling bullying.
Feeling Bullied by a Parent
So what exactly is bullying by a parent? Part of a parent’s job is to be a disciplinarian, often saying things their children don’t want to hear—especially the word “no”—and, when necessary, doling out some type of punishment or explaining the consequences for certain actions. Parents aren’t perfect, so naturally there will be times when they don’t interpret a situation correctly or perhaps use a punishment that seems too harsh. Setting and enforcing rules, implementing reasonable punishments, denying certain freedoms, and telling a child they need to improve upon some aspect of their day-to-day life does not typically constitute bullying by a parent. However, there are many things parents should provide for their children, and if they aren’t doing so or if they are taking punishments too far, they may be bully parents.
There are two distinct types of bullying that a child can endure from a parent: physical bullying and emotional bullying. Both are very hurtful. Physical bullying includes actions such as hitting, kicking, or using an object to inflict pain. Physical bullying also includes depriving a child of physical needs, such as denying a meal or restricting a child from using the toilet or being able to wash as a form of punishment. These are the actions of a bully. Emotional bullying can make a child feel embarrassed, humiliated, or fearful. Examples of emotional parental bullying include threatening physical harm; name-calling or insulting, especially in front of others; preventing social interaction for long periods of time; demanding perfection; allowing the child to witness drug use, crime, or violence in the home; and making hurtful, negative comments related to a child’s gender, sexual orientation, appearance, skills, intelligence, or social status. Bully parents engage in some or all of the above actions repeatedly.
Parents who bully do so for a variety of reasons. Often, they were bullied themselves as children, possibly by a parent. In these cases, the parents might not recognize that they are being a bully. If they were raised by parents who engaged in bullying behaviors or bullied as a substitute for discipline, they might believe that what their parents did—and what they are doing to their children—is normal parenting. Some bully parents are currently being bullied themselves. Workplace bullying happens way too often, just like other types of bullying. A cruel, demanding boss or an unrelenting, vicious coworker can cause a buildup of anger, resentment, and frustration in a parent, who, in turn, goes home each night and takes it out on a child.
Another situation that sometimes leads to a parent bullying a child is when the parent is bullied by their spouse and feels betrayed, angry, and helpless to stop it. When parents in that situation bully their children, they are creating a cycle of abuse within the family. Though some bully parents do not recognize or understand that they are being a bully, that doesn’t excuse the behavior. Parents are expected to protect their children, not become their tormentors. In some cases, bully parents do realize that what they’re doing isn’t right, but they either don’t care or don’t have the self-control or emotional intelligence to stop. Whatever the influences behind these types of behaviors, the children of bully parents are left with the difficult task of seeking help to put an end to what’s going on at home.
Feeling Bullied by Other Adults in the Home
Sometimes, the bully at home isn’t a sibling or a parent. A caretaker, such as a babysitter, could be the bully. Whether the caretaker is an older teenager or an adult, authority figures who use their temporary position of authority to bully must be corrected. First and foremost, caretakers should ensure the children they are caring for are safe from harm. If, instead, they engage in name-calling, teasing, carrying out harsh punishments, or using controlling behaviors that go beyond enforcing the rules the parent has specified, they have become bullies rather than caretakers.
Other adults in the home who could be bullies include relatives such as grandparents, aunts, or uncles. If a relative says something hurtful without realizing it, that is not bullying. However, anyone who inadvertently says something that makes a person feel embarrassed or upset needs to know that the comment was hurtful. Sometimes it happens because a word or phrase that was used frequently when they were growing up is no longer considered benign. Once a person knows better, they shouldn’t repeat the offending word or phrase. If, on the other hand, a relative is intentionally causing harm or distress with either actions or words, there is no excuse for it. No one has the right to bully another member of the family. The same rules apply for any adults who may be staying as a houseguest. Being a friend of the family also does not give someone the right to be a bully to any member of the family and bullying, in fact, should be a one-way ticket out the door.
Bullying in Foster Families and Stepfamilies
Unfortunately, bullying is even more common in foster families and stepfamilies. Families that have been brought together under unconventional circumstances are likely dealing with more than their fair share of stressors. Families that are blended together tend to be larger, on average. The children or teens who have been brought together may not know each other well, and up until that point, may have been raised in very different settings, with very different rules and expectations. Suddenly, the family unit changes. Even if it changes for the better, change is still difficult. Feelings of jealousy or resentment can sometimes lead to bullying in the family. To further complicate the issue, both the adults and the children in the home may take sides when someone complains of bullying. There is a lot of pressure to make the new family work. No matter the makeup of a family, no one should have to put up with bullying. Finding someone to help stop the bullying and navigate the rough waters that can hit any family is crucial.
Bullying Behaviors Between Adults
When a parent is being mistreated by their spouse or partner, that parent might question whether or not it rises to the level of bullying or abuse. The following actions and behaviors indicate that there is bullying going on in a relationship:
Physical violence: There is no question that physically aggressive behavior is abuse. This is one of the most dangerous types of bullying.
Name-calling: This includes cursing at someone and using derogatory terms, but also includes using words such as “idiot,” “stupid,” “fat,” or “worthless.”
Threats: Threatening to harm someone physically, or in other ways that would be hurtful, is bullying.
Controlling behaviors: Preventing another adult from going out, accepting calls, having friends, working outside the home, driving, eating, or wearing certain clothes is bullying.
None of these behaviors is normal or healthy, and all are warning signs that it is time to seek help. Children or teens who witness an adult being bullied are more likely to engage in bullying behaviors themselves and to think that bullying is OK.
Getting Help
If you’re dealing with family members who bully, just asking if they had a rough day might help them to take a step back and think about how their mood is affecting their words and actions. In some situations, walking or running away is the best thing to do to stay safe, even if that means running to a neighbor’s house. Whatever happens in the moment, it’s important to reach out for help afterwards. Leaning on friends and family members outside the home for support and reporting the bully to a trusted adult is essential. It’s not easy to do this when the bully is a parent, but as long as a bully’s behavior goes unchecked, it will continue.
Many school programs offer some helpful strategies and contact information for organizations that can help, but teens who are experiencing bullying at home may not think the information applies to them. However, school officials and anti-bullying organizations can answer questions and offer assistance for anyone who is bullied at home as well as at school. There’s no doubt that public awareness of all types of bullying is higher than ever before, and there are many resources now available to people who are experiencing bullying.
Children and teens who are bullied at home face a unique set of challenges, but there are individuals and organizations ready to assist those in need. A school counselor, adult relative, teacher, religious leader, or youth leader can help, and in a dangerous situation, never hesitate to call an emergency number, such as 911 in the United States and Canada. Speaking up, reaching out for help, and spreading kindness and compassion are the best ways to put an end to bullying, once and for all.