Causes of Dating Violence and Abuse

Teens often learn how to behave in relationships by watching their peers, the adults in their lives, or messages they receive from the media. Too often these examples can suggest that violence in a relationship—whether it’s physical, emotional, or sexual abuse—is acceptable or even normal.

Violent behavior often stems from a person’s inability to manage uncomfortable or complex emotions, such as anger, frustration, and jealousy. Your family, community, and social settings influence how you learn to deal with relationship challenges, manage stress, and cope with emotionally charged situations. If your partner grew up in a violent home, was a victim of domestic abuse, or witnessed violence in their neighborhood, the chances are greater that they have learned to use violence as a way to cope with complicated emotions or to resolve problems. Violent behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere. Often, there are risk factors that increase the chances that people will use violence in their relationships.

What are Risk Factors?

A risk factor is defined as a trait or characteristic that can increase the likelihood of a person developing a disease or behaving in a certain way. Exposure to behavioral patterns is also a risk factor. In the same way that unsafe sex, high blood pressure, or tobacco and alcohol use can increase your chances of developing a serious health issue, exposure to domestic abuse, being a victim of abuse, or regularly witnessing violence in your community can increase the chances that you or your partner will use violence as a way to cope with emotions or to manage relationships. While risk factors do not cause violent behavior, they can contribute to how a person chooses to handle interpersonal obstacles. (That said, it is important to note that there are indeed many people who suffer at the hands of others and resolve never to initiate such negative behaviors themselves.)

There are four sets of risk factors—individual, family, peer/social, and community—that can increase the likelihood that your partner will be violent in a relationship.

Individual Risk Factors

Individual risk factors are the biological, psychological, and emotional characteristics we all possess that can influence our behaviors. Many violent people have been shown to have similar individual risk factors that contribute to aggressive or violent actions. These factors can include:

• Being a victim of abuse

• Attention deficits, hyperactivity, or learning disorders

• A history of aggressive behavior as a child

• Drug, alcohol, or tobacco use

• Low IQ

• Inability to control behavior

• History of emotional problems

• Exposure to violence in the family

Family Risk Factors

Family risk factors are those that involve family life, such as how one was raised, and how the parents, caretakers, or guardians behaved (and continue to behave) at home. Family risk factors can include:

• Strict or severe parenting

• Harsh, lax, or inconsistent forms of discipline

• Low or no parental involvement

• Low or no emotional attachment to parents or parental figures

• Limited parental education and income

• Drug and alcohol abuse by parents

• Poor family functioning

• Poor supervision of children by parents

Peer and Social Risk Factors

Peer and social risk factors are those that come from relationships with friends or peer groups. In peer groups that are violent, there is often pressure to act in certain ways or conform to how the group acts. If a group uses violence, it may be expected that everyone in the group use violence, too. Some examples of peer and social risk factors are:

• Hanging out with delinquent or violent peers

• Gang involvement or membership

• Social rejection by peers or a peer group

• Lack of involvement in school or formally organized activities

• Poor academic performance

• Low commitment or little interest in school

Community Risk Factors

A community is a group of people living in the same place who share common characteristics. Community risk factors are those that affect the majority of people living in the same area or neighborhood. Examples of community risk factors that can influence violent behavior include:

• Limited economic opportunities

• Large populations of poor residents

• Repeated family disruptions

• Little communal interest in community participation

Other Factors

While risk factors can influence how a person handles the ups and downs of a relationship, dating violence can be caused by other factors, such as:

Low self-esteem: Self-esteem is defined as how you value yourself. If your partner has low self-esteem, they may try to control your behavior because they may not feel worthy of your affection or interest. If you have low self-esteem, you may not believe that you deserve to be treated with respect, that you deserve the affections of someone popular or good looking, or that you are worthy of being loved.

Inexperience: You are beginning to learn how relationships work, how to treat one another, and how to handle the complex feelings you begin to have when you start dating. Domestic violence support groups recognize that dating violence is often accepted by teens as a normal part of a relationship because teens have little or no comparative dating experience. You may not realize that being teased inappropriately, being called hurtful names, being pressured to engage in sexual activities you aren’t ready for, or that being hit or slapped amounts to dating violence.

Children who grow up with parents who engage in physical discipline and verbal abuse may well repeat these behaviors in their own relationships. Others, knowing the pain firsthand, steer clear of emulating such actions.

Upbringing: Not all parents share the same views when it comes to raising children. Some parents believe hitting children and being verbally abusive are acceptable forms of discipline. If you witness your parents being abusive toward one another or toward you and your siblings, you may believe that this is normal family behavior. Teens often repeat behaviors they see their parents exhibit. If you or your partner is abused at home, you are more likely to be abused or become involved with an abuser.

Peer pressure: As a teen, you are still learning how to interact in a variety of different social settings. You may want to be accepted by a peer group and may feel pressured to present a certain image to that group of friends. If you hang out with friends who use violence in their relationships, you may feel as though you have to show that you, too, can control your partner through abuse or violence.

Immaturity: Romantic relationships, even ones involving young adults, can be complicated and difficult. You may feel as though you’re old enough to date, but you may still be experiencing a wide range of immature emotions. These emotions can then make you feel ill equipped to handle the more mature aspects of a relationship. This immaturity can lead you to respond to issues in your relationship by becoming jealous, wanting to control the other person, or by hitting or slapping your partner. Instead of telling your partner how you feel and expressing your emotions, you find yourself calling them names or punishing your partner by withholding affection.